It sat there empty, and I wanted it to stay that way. However since we were leaving in a few days for Kenya I knew I had to start filling it with clothes that I knew I would never wear again. Slowly I started matching the simple t-shirts with the different skirts I would have to wear, and slowly the bag started filling up. I just want to get these two weeks over with was all I thought about as I packed. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t know anyone, other then my mom, that was going, and they didn’t seem like they had any plans to include me in their group. I knew I would be the outsider. The only reason I was going was to get my mom off my back. She was always pushing to get my sibling and me to go. I guess you could say that my mom’s main focus was the kids in Kenya.
When it came time to start our journey to Kenya, I just kept thinking the sooner you leave the sooner you get back. There were so many other things I would have rather been doing that summer. However when it came time to say goodbye I gave my boyfriend a hug and kiss and told him I’d be home before he knew it. When really, I was trying to convince myself that.
July 31st
It’s our first day that we are actually in Kenya. So Sunday when we left it was about 4 ½ hours until we got to the airport. We then had only a few minutes to kill till we got on the plane for like 6 1/2 hours. I didn’t sleep very much, maybe like 30 minutes at the most. Now don’t forget there is a 4 hour time difference from home to London. So we lost 4 hours, but London was SO COOL! The buildings were so pretty. We rode in the subway type things. You gotta be fast for those doors. We also went on a duck tour. That’s where we got to see all of London but after that we were all so tired. We found this little park & slept in a field. It was a nice nap, but then it was back to the airport to make the flight to Kenya. That flight I think everyone slept most of the trip.
So we got to Kenya around 6 or 7ish, but till we got all our bags and exchanged our money it was after 8 till we even walked out of the airport. Then we still had to get the tight vans packed & when I say tight I mean it they are really tight. Not very much room at all and there was 16 of us and all our bags into just two of these vans. There is like no room. And tomorrow we have a 12-hour drive to Magunga!!
So we just got to the Guest House, got our rooms, had “tea time”, and went over some rules. I’m sitting in my room in the clothes I’ve been wearing for the past 2 days waiting for my mom to finish up in the shower. We’ve all been sweating & all we want is to get CLEAN!! But after lunch we are going shopping time to get everyone something.
Later on July 31st
Well I’m back from getting my shower, and I just wanna say if the water in those showers were hot then I don’t wanna know what the cold ones are like. The “hot” showers were FREEZING!!
That first day there was just like I thought it would be. I was still the outsider, and I would tend to stick to my mom because I had no one else to talk to. We went out shopping after lunch. I got everyone I cared about something from Kenya. They actually had a mall in Kenya but we did most of the shopping in the Market place. You could get better prices there and with Simon (the guy who runs the children center) we knew we wouldn’t be cheated out of any of our money.
After shopping, and dinner we had a group meeting. Great, more sitting there being the outsider while everyone goofs off and has a grand time, I thought. However this meeting wasn’t like that at all. There wasn’t much talking just a simple question asked by my mom that started to change my whole attitude.
“What is coming between you and God?’ she asked. Then the rest of the time was to ourselves. Like many of the others in the group I wrote. At first I didn’t know the answer but then words just started flowing.
What is coming between God and me?....
…. Myself, I am stopping myself from going to God. Why? Maybe because things were getting too hard. Everything just became impossible. I started to be filled with hate for myself, others and God. Not getting along with anyone and just feeling so unloved cause there was just fighting going on all the time with those who cared about me. The feeling of never being good enough. Never seemed to make my parents proud. I had time I could have spent with God but I chose not to because then I would have to face the fact that I was staying away from God. The feeling of uselessness, knowing I can’t do anything right… my parents never had time for me and I blamed God. I blamed him for taking my parents away years ago and I still do. I blamed him because I felt so bad about my life and my mom didn’t even know what was going on. But she had time to help strangers. I blamed GOD.. and myself I thought God made me this way so in the end it was his fault. When she stopped being a youth pastor I thought maybe she would have more time for her family but then she got involved with this children’s center and nothing changed. Maybe that’s why I wanted to come on this trip. Maybe I thought it would make everything disappear. I started thinking that no one cared, that I was no good. I get that my mom has a busy life… I guess it was God that never had time for me and never loved me. Why would he? I didn’t deserve his love… I didn’t feel special, I’ve never had God speak to me, and I never did anything to deserve him so I blocked him out…. What I need to repent from is turning my heart into a rock, and keeping EVERYONE even God out of my life.
After we spent time by ourselves, we had a prayer time. However even after this meeting I wasn’t completely changed. I still didn’t want to be there, and I was still the outsider. Plus my relationship with my mom wasn’t any better.
August 2nd
So yesterday we spent the day in the car going to Magunga. O MY GOSH when we were by Simon’s church there was this drunk guy that wouldn’t leave us alone. We were sitting in the van across Simon’s church and we started to pull away and he followed. It was pretty funny. The kids we saw loved getting their pictures taken. Also when we were driving everyone would wave to us like we were famous. O yea and when we were almost to the house we kept getting stuck in the mud. These guys from the village would run from car to car pushing us out when we got stuck. Things here aren’t as bad as I thought they would be. I miss everyone at home but I’m doing fine. Some people started talking to me but I still feel like an outsider. O and when I wrote about what is keeping me from God during the prayer time. our team leaders prayed for each of us. When they got to me they prayed that I knew I had a purpose. Kind of telling me I’m not useless. How did they know….?
Every day we were forced to spend time with God. It was called our “quiet time”. It was a time to read the bible and pray to God. I guess at the time I felt I was being forced to do something I didn’t want to do. However now this has become a part of my every day life
Matthew 19:26
“Jesus looked at them intently and said ‘Humanly speaking it is impossible But with God everything is possible”
August 3rd
Yesterday we went to the school and met all of the kids. We gave them lollipops and played games with them. Playing the games was my idea =D. I did have to help serve food then we came back to the house for lunch. After this we had a tour of the village. When we were at the so-called Hospital there was a room filled with people who had AIDS and we prayed for them. It was strange I wasn’t sure exactly what to say or do.
After dinner the 18 kids that lived at the center came down to where we were staying and everyone just played with them and had a good time. My mom brought over picture from her last trip. The kids loved seeing themselves. Then we gave out gifts. Today we already did VBS and we are about to start building swing sets and work on the fence around the new schoolyard.
Later August 3rd
I guess what has been bothering me is when we have our meetings after our quiet time they all read the same type of things and they all connect somehow. But I don’t. I’m different and I just feel really out of the group. I have been getting to know people a little better but I cant really open up to them.
So today we went to have worship with the kids in the center I don’t get how they can love God as much as they do when they have so little, but still they have so much more faith. However I have so much more but I lose my faith so much. I’m started thinking about my mom and how I have a mom. Everyone talks about how we take all the things we have for granted, but we also take people for granted. I mean I yell fight and not listen to my mom but in there worshiping with those kids today I got thinking I have a mom. These kids don’t. I started thinking I really take my mom for granted. She may not be the greatest mom; she may not have time for me but I know she loves me. If I need someone I know that she is there…. I think I need to apologize to my mom.
August 4th
I decided I am going to sponsor DAVE!!! He is one of the kids who live in the center. His mom who is still alive but dieing from AIDS just dropped him off at the center and left. So I am going to send 35$ over each month to pay for his schooling, food, and clothes. He is so cute! I love him already!
Dave is around 5 years old like many of the kids there his dad is dead lucky for him last we heard his mom was still alive. Now Dave and all the other kids look at me as “Dave’s Mom”. I love that kid very much.
Proverbs 3:5-6
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on you own understanding. Seek his will in all you do and he will direct you paths”
August 5th
I feel like I am actually getting close to some of the group! Any way during the drama we do it shows people getting healed of the problems by Jesus. After we do the drama we ask people of we can pray for them. It’s sad seeing someone coming to get healed and then they walk away the same as they came
Also everyone says how we are a team and we need to work together. But honestly until last night I still felt like an outsider. No one really talked to me and I just hung out with my mom…. Some team… I still need to talk to my mom.
I did talk to my mom. It wasn’t very easy. I told her what I thought and how things she did made me feel. We talked about how we fought all the time. We thought of ways that could make things better. I told her how I feel like she is putting these trips and these kids above everyone else even her own kids. I told her how I was feeling worthless and useless. We just talked and slowly our relationship mended its self
Later that day we had a team meeting we talked about what we were going to change when we went back to the United States.
Things you want to change when you go back home
- Family life
- Friend life
- Stop fighting
_ Not letting the devil get to me and put thoughts in my mind
_ Not being afraid to reach out to others
PRAY FOR GODS GRACE!
STICK WITH QUITE TIME
August 6th
Yesterday was SOMUCH FUN! We took 5 of the kids to church with us and they loved just being in a car. I guess that is something they don’t get to often. My mom said that might be the first time a few of those kids were ever in a car. It was an hour-long ride and most of the kids fell asleep on the why back. As I said before I am sponsoring Dave and we got him to smile yesterday!! He would never smile but he smile, laughing, and having a great time. We watched the Lion King with the kids. They seemed to like it. Dave was sitting on my lap while we were watching the movie. I guess we were both tired because we fell asleep about half way through. Yesterday was GREAT!
Romans 12:2
“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new people by changing the way you think. Then you will know that God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is”
Later August 6th
People are starting to get on each other’s nerves. There is just so much happening in this house and people are driving each other CRAZY!
When you live in a house with people over a period the people start to get on your nerves. There were so many people snapping at each other. We thought at the time it was because we were all tired. However looking back now I believe it was the devil trying to break the team apart.
August 8th
The trip is getting down to the last few days. Yesterday was fun. We did arts and crafts with the kids and played games with them. Then after lunch we went to paint the classrooms (one of the other projects we were doing). I got talking to one of the guys, about things I haven’t talked to anyone else about. I told him about my mom and some of the other problems in my life. He was there to listen. Which was something I wasn’t use to. A lot of kids now a day only think about themselves. You can try to talk to them but the subject some how always changed. Back home I was always the one who would listen and try to help. My problems just got pushed to the side. I guess that was how I dealt with my problems. I pushed them aside and just tried to help other because I couldn’t help myself. Maybe I just didn’t want others help because I knew then I would have to trust again….
Today at VBS the kids played with the sidewalk chalk. They had so much fun with that, and it was a great time to bond with the kids.
August 10th
Well today not very much to say we were going to take the to a game places so see the wild animals, but it was too muddy when we got there so we had to drive 4 hours back. A lot of the kids got sick, and throw up out the window. It was sad for them to go through all that and not get to see the animals. However they still had a really great time. When we got back we hung out at the house for a while. My mom gave all the kids bubbles. Dave loved the bubbles! I’ll have to remember that for the next time I come. We then heard that the swing set were finished so we took the kids up to the center and they took turn on the swing set. THEY LOVED IT! THE TEACHERS LOVED THE SWING SETS AS WHILE!
Mark 5:19
“Go home to your friends, and tell them what wonderful things the lord has done for you, and how merciful he has been.”
It sat there empty, and I wanted it to stay that way. However since we were leaving in a few days for the United States I knew I had to start filling it with clothes that I would store until next year. Slowly I put the simple t-shirts and different skirts in the bag, and slowly it started to fill up. I can’t believe these two weeks went so fast I thought as I packed. I didn’t want to go home. I made so many new friends, and I didn’t want to lose them. I knew even before I left that I would be back there again.
The last night that we were there we had another group meeting. This one was in no way like the first. This meeting instead of looking at ourselves we looked at each other. One at a time we sat in the middle of the group. The “hot seat” as my mom called it. While we were in the middle other’s would say how you impacted them in someway, or something good about you. This meeting made almost every one tears up at some point. I guess it was the time that everyone saw how important he or she really was to this trip.
The meeting lasted past midnight. When we finally went to sleep it wasn’t for very long. We had to leave to catch the plane around 3 am
August 18th
Well we’ve been home now for a couple of days. It is really weird being home, and kind of sad that I won’t be waking up in Kenya. I am going to miss those kids like crazy. However I had to come back to start to fix things going on here at home. Ugh I hate having nothing to do but watch T.V.
Micah 7:16
“All the nations of the world will stand amazed at what the lord will do for you. They will be embarrassed that their power is so insignificant. They will stand in silent awe; deaf to everything around them”
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